


Pilgrimage

by veridian



Series: awakenings [2]
Category: Granblue Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-04-06 09:10:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14053656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veridian/pseuds/veridian
Summary: Lucilius told Lucifer he could keep Sandalphon. He decides to take him at his word.On hiatus until further notice, but not abandoned.





	1. genesis.

The mortified expression on Sandalphon’s face as he hid his wounds from him is seared into Lucifer’s memory, left burning hot and raw like the charred flesh on his dear companion’s cheek. Out of everyone in the labs, Sandalphon is the only one who had no need to be ashamed about what happened to him that day. The researchers for harming him, Lucifer himself for being unable to do more...they are the only ones who should wear such shame on their faces. Healing a wound is easy, but he sees how skittish Sandalphon has been since then. How his gait has been carefully practiced so as to give nothing away, how he has begun to speak a bit softer so Lucifer won’t hear how rough his voice is from screaming in pain. Yes, healing a wound is a trivial matter, but scars on the heart are much more difficult to fix.

Lucilius told him he could keep him, and Lucifer decides to take him at his word.

“Leave the labs?!” Sandalphon exclaims, nearly dropping his cup of coffee, and Lucifer gives him a severe look, putting a finger to his lips. Sandalphon nods apologetically, carefully putting the cup down with trembling hands. “I don’t...what are you saying, Lucifer…?” There’s a wild sort of panic from the tightness of his voice to the stiffness of his back, something Lucifer pauses to evaluate.

“It’s as I said. When I take my leave, I would like you to come with me. We can see the world together. As long as we don’t interfere with the evolution of the world...wouldn’t you like to see the skies I tell you of, Sandalphon?”

“You’re serious,” he responds, voice barely more than a whisper, and Lucifer tilts his head in concern. “Why...would you…”

Without waiting for Sandalphon to finish his question, Lucifer answers, placing his own empty cup on the table. “I believe I’ve told you before, but I enjoy your company. To be perfectly honest, my time with you is more joyous than any other...so it seems natural to ask this of you.” A thought occurs to him, and he continues, “If there is someone you would rather spend your time with, I can - ”

“No!” Sandalphon pounds a fist on the table, standing suddenly, apparently startling himself just as much as he startles Lucifer if the way he jumps at the sound of his own voice is any indication. “I mean...of course, the time I spend with you is precious to me as well, Lucifer. I just…” He stammers, trying to finish his sentence, but seems dissatisfied with everything he says, cutting himself off before he can make himself understood.

“I’ve caused you pain,” Lucifer says, feeling just as upset as Sandalphon looks. “Please forgive - ”

“You,” Sandalphon interrupts again, in more of a gasp than a word, “are the only one in these damnable labs who has never caused me any pain.”

That isn’t really an answer, but saying it seems to take all the energy out of him, because he slumps over the table, exhausted, after making that admission. Lucifer stands as well, leans down, puts a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Then let me do what I should have done a long time ago, and make sure no one ever hurts you again.”

Sandalphon slowly raises his head and straightens his back, nervousness written all over his face. “Won’t they try to stop you from taking me with you?”

Lucifer blinks in surprise. “I don’t see why they would. After all…”

He carefully begins to clear the table, giving Sandalphon a warm smile.

“I’ve already received permission.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "that's not what i meant and he knows it" lucilius whines to belial later that day, as belial pats his shoulder and offers to suck his dick,


	2. exodus.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sandalphon chooses his and Lucifer's first destination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit! im finally out of bakery overtime hell!

“The first thing we’ll need to decide, if we’re to travel among skydwellers, is where to go.” Lucifer unfurls a map over the garden table, and Sandalphon is awed by the sheer number of islands illustrated on it. The laboratory is all he’s known, but when Lucifer points to it as their starting point, it’s so much smaller in comparison to every other place listed.

“It’s amazing,” Sandalphon blurts, unable to contain his excitement. “This whole thing...this is the sky?”

“It goes far beyond the borders of this map. What we’re looking at is the Phantagrande skydom, where most of the primal beasts live...it is the most stable and peaceful of the skydoms. I only felt it appropriate to keep our current options limited to here, given that I am trying to remove you from a less than peaceful situation.”

“And you overlook all of it...you’re just as amazing, Lucifer. No, even moreso.” He can’t even imagine having so much space to himself, let alone having to watch all of it at once.

The thought of himself in such a position gives him pause. He’d overheard the conversation Lucifer and Lucilius had, of course. The one where Lucilius told Lucifer he could keep Sandalphon, if he’d like...and the one where he divulged his true purpose, as well. Bringing it up now might put a stop to this...this _miracle,_ and so he’s been biting his tongue, but the longer Lucifer doesn’t bring it up, the more impatient Sandalphon becomes. Is the purpose of this journey together really just to get him away from the laboratory? Or is it to prepare a defunct spare for his role, just in case?

He shakes his head. Doubting Lucifer only makes him sick to his stomach, stirs up feelings he doesn’t want to have, leaves him lost without his only guiding star. He’d expected to be discarded after that conversation - to be abandoned. But he hasn’t been, and even if his purpose is an inglorious one, if he can be of some use to Lucifer by learning how to fulfill it, then that’s what he’ll do.

For now.

“...Are you listening, Sandalphon?” There’s an echo of concern in Lucifer’s voice, and Sandalphon realizes he’s been mentally withdrawn from the conversation for too long.

“Ah - I’m sorry. I was just...overwhelmed. The world seems impossibly big.” It’s a bad lie, but Lucifer appears to buy it without hesitation, nodding thoughtfully.

“Indeed...it must seem that way to you. It is vast, to be certain, but that vastness means the people who live in the skies cluster together on islands. On those islands, the world can seem impossibly small, as well.” Sandalphon doesn’t understand what he means, and it must show on his face, because Lucifer gives him an apologetic smile. “I’m sure you’ll come to realize what I’m talking about once we arrive at our destination. Is there somewhere you would like to go in particular? Something you would like to see?”

Sandalphon frowns, his voice halting as he responds. “The...the ocean. I’d like to see the ocean.”

Lucifer points to an island on the map. “This island...Auguste. I haven’t set foot on it myself yet, but…I’ve heard it’s beautiful, with a seemingly endless sea.” After allowing Sandalphon enough time to peer at it, he rolls the map up, a satisfied expression on his face. “That’s where we will go first.” He moves to take his leave, and Sandalphon instinctively raises an arm in farewell; it's only when Lucifer looks back expectantly that he remembers they’re leaving together this time.

It still doesn't seem real as he follows closely behind, as they pass the doors leading to pristine, cold examination rooms. It doesn't seem real when the thought occurs to him that he'll never have to set foot in one again. And it doesn't seem real as Lucifer opens the door to the laboratory, flooding the hall with sunlight and leaving him dazed as he stares at the threshold to a world he never thought he'd be able to see for himself.

"Lucifer," he whispers, "is it really acceptable for me to leave?"

"Hm? Of course it is. I've already told you, I received permission to take you with me."

"That isn't what I meant." Sandalphon shakes his head, still staring straight out the door. "Is this really...something I deserve?" It still feels like, at any moment, something will happen. Lucifer will realize suddenly that Sandalphon is not and never has been worthy of his attention, that there are others in the laboratory deserve this chance far more, that sharing something as vivid as the world with someone as dull and petty as he is a wasted effort.

Lucifer dispels those feelings in an instant, firmly grasping his hand and leading him out of the building without a word. Once they're both outside, Lucifer turns back to the laboratory; Sandalphon follows suit, gazing at it with a violent mix of emotions roiling in his head. 

It seems he isn’t the only one who’s conflicted, however; after several long moments of silence, Lucifer begins to speak. "I used to think this was a sanctum, a place dedicated to the betterment of the entire realm. I have you, in part, to thank for opening my eyes. I can see now that this is nothing but a glorified cage, Sandalphon," he says, his voice soft. "And you _do not_ deserve to be trapped inside of it.”

There’s a quiet intensity to his words in spite of his gentle tone, and it leaves Sandalphon’s chest tight with - with _something._ What, he doesn’t know.

Whatever it is, he's thankful for it; it’s squeezed the self-doubt from his heart, even if just for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time: beach episode


	3. endless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it turns out the only two books of the bible i know are genesis and exodus. also, socialanxietyphon is real and you can't take him from me.

The beach is bustling with activity. A gaggle of young women sharing the latest gossip from their boarding school, a newlywed couple on their way to celebrate their honeymoon, countless others with stories all their own - travelers from all corners of the sky are all here to enjoy the blessings of Auguste’s ocean. Just being around so many people, Lucifer thinks, is wonderful.

Unfortunately, Sandalphon doesn’t seem to be of the same mind, having gone stark silent since their arrival. He’s always been somewhat withdrawn, but never to this extent, and the worry is evident on Lucifer’s face as he settles down on the warm sand, right next to him. “Sandalphon, are you feeling unwell?” he asks.

“No. I’m fine.” When Lucifer’s gentle stare turns somewhat dubious, he sighs and clarifies. “I will be fine. I...just how small was the laboratory?” He seems almost wistful as he asks, and Lucifer has to briefly grapple with an increasing suspicion that maybe he should have tried to prepare Sandalphon for this somehow. His own debut into the skies had gone much more smoothly...but he had never been abused the way Sandalphon was. He never had a reason to be suspicious of others, to withhold himself, to feel an ounce of nervousness when he wasn’t alone.

He forgets sometimes that it’s much different for Sandalphon.

“Shall we find somewhere more secluded?” he offers, gesturing to the far side of the beach. “Surely there are places we can go that humans cannot.”

Sandalphon mutters in agreement, his eyes never leaving the ocean as he stands. The heels on his boots sink into the sand, and he abruptly stumbles, but has already righted himself by the time Lucifer offers a supportive arm. Despite the embarrassment coloring his cheeks, there’s a lively glimmer in his eyes.

A promisingly abandoned grotto is infested with monsters. They would bear little threat to the supreme primarch even if he were alone, but Sandalphon deems it too much trouble to exterminate them. It occurs to Lucifer he has never seen his combat abilities. “Sandalphon,” he says, curiosity suddenly getting the better of him, “monsters are fairly commonplace in the skies. Would this not be a good opportunity to acclimate yourself?”

“I suppose so,” Sandalphon replies, sounding unconvinced. “But I still think it’s more trouble than it’s worth. I doubt we can see the ocean from there.”

Lucifer looks from the grotto to the shoreline, nodding. “That’s true. Perhaps if we take higher ground…”

Sandalphon follows his gaze upward, to a steep cliff facing the sea. “Lucifer, that’s a brilliant idea! We’ll be able to see all of it from up there!”

Lucifer finds he doesn’t have the heart to tell Sandalphon that the sea is far more vast than he’s expecting it to be, so he simply nods again and unfurls his wings. The lesser archangel watches, a look of quiet awe on his face. The contrast of the dark, churning water and the pristine, still white of Lucifer’s perfect wings is breathtaking. “Well, then, let’s go,” Lucifer says, and Sandalphon can only stammer affirmatively as his own mottled brown wings extend from his shoulders.

It’s a quick flight to the top of the cliff, but Sandalphon very nearly overshoots it, almost forgetting how to land in his amazement at what lies before him. He can’t see the whole ocean after all.

He feels, in that moment, indescribably small.

“It’s beautiful,” he finally manages, choked up and not knowing why.

Lucifer glances out toward the ocean, then fixes his gaze to Sandalphon. “Yes,” he says, drinking in the awestruck look on his face. “It truly is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beach episode part 2 next time. you'll get sandalphon in swim trunks. i swear on my life.


	4. solar.

“You’re still having trouble walking.”

It’s something Lucifer has thought no less than seven times in the past hour, and just now giving voice to. Emboldened by the view of the sea from the cliff, Sandalphon has suggested a more hands-on experience with the vast body of water, and Lucifer is only too happy to oblige him.

But his boots continue to quite literally trip him up, sinking into the sand and throwing him off-balance with an alarming regularity.

“You don’t need to worry about me, Lucifer. I’m getting used to - ” Before he can finish his sentence, he stumbles again, and upon regaining his balance, is shamed into silence.

Finally, Lucifer makes a gentle suggestion. “Since we’re here, we may as well attempt the same beach customs as skydwellers. It will probably be easier to move in…” He trails off suddenly.

“In what, Lucifer?”

He shakes his head, deciding now isn't the time to introduce his young companion to _sandals._

“...In any case, you’ve no doubt noticed the traditional beachgoing attire. Most of the skydwellers are wearing it.” Lucifer refrains from gesturing, knowing that some mortals see it as rude to draw attention to them in public, but an incline of the head is enough to prompt Sandalphon where to look.

“Oh! Yes, I see...their shoes are flat, if they’re wearing them at all, and the heat would probably be more easily managed without this…” He curls his fingers around the edge of his hood. “But where do we go to get them?”

“Allow me to show you. There are many things in the skies that can only be acquired through shopping - that is, exchanging currency for the items you desire. Gabriel’s made it a hobby to spend time among skydwellers, and she’s even obtained a job, so she has lent me some money for this adventure of ours.”

“She’s also the one who gave you the ice, that one time in the lab. Right?”

Lucifer nods. “I hope to introduce you to her someday. I would like you to meet all four of the primarchs, but I believe you would find her the most agreeable.” Of all of them, she has the warmest heart, and it’s that kind of support that Sandalphon needs. There are times and places for the temper of Michael, the joviality of Uriel, the silence of Raphael.

But not when Sandalphon’s wounds are still so fresh. In time, Lucifer wants the whole world to welcome his most beloved companion, from the primarchs to the lowliest insects. But that largely depends on Sandalphon himself.

For now, as Lucifer watches Sandalphon browse swimsuits with an intense look of concentration, he decides that the fact he’s willing to give the crowds at the beach another shot is more than enough.

“I like this one the most,” Sandalphon decides after several minutes of shopping, selecting a black and gold pair of swim trunks. It somewhat resembles the clothing he’s wearing, and he finds the familiarity vaguely comforting. Lucifer, for his part, picks out a white pair.

With swimsuits purchased and their clothes in bags provided by the shopkeepers, the archangels make their way back onto the beach. It’s much easier to walk on the sand without heels, Sandalphon notes, and while the heat of the sand seems to bother some of the skydwellers, he’s experienced much higher temperatures pressed against his skin in the laboratories. It’s nothing more than pleasantly warm, taking those experiences into account.

Lucifer has acquired a large beach umbrella at some point, which he sticks into the sand and opens. “Come, Sandalphon,” he says, beckoning him over. “We can leave our clothing here.”

Sandalphon obediently drops the bags under the umbrella, then sits down, legs crossed. “What now, Lucifer?”

“Whatever you would like to do...but I believe you were here for the ocean, were you not?”

“Yes, but…” It seems a little dangerous, now that he’s this close. The waves draw back, as well as surge forward, and the thought of losing his balance amidst the push and pull of the water isn’t a comforting one.

“I will be here if you require any assistance.” Lucifer waves a hand encouragingly. “This is your first time in the skies, so make sure the experience is a memorable one.”

“What…” Sandalphon pauses, falters. “What kind of place did you go, the first time the Astrals let you leave?”

Lucifer seems surprised by the question, but he answers all the same. “An overgrown island covered in plants. It was to survey the suitability for the placement of a primal beast for Uriel.” He doubts Sandalphon wants to hear about the duties of the supreme primarch in such technical detail, but Sandalphon seems moved by the story, nodding thoughtfully.

“Is that why your sanctum in the laboratory is a garden?”

Lucifer opens his mouth to respond, but stops. _Is_ that why? He’s never thought of it before.

Sensing the shift in atmosphere, Sandalphon waves his hands in an effort to disperse the awkward, contemplative silence that’s settled between them. “It’s fine if you don’t have an answer for me. I was just curious...about the kinds of places you like.”

That’s an easier question to answer. “Anywhere is fine, as long as you’re by my side, Sandalphon.”

Sandalphon can feel his face flushing as he suddenly decides now is the perfect opportunity to give the ocean a fair shot. “Th-Then, let’s go back to that island next!” he manages in a rush before making a bolt for the water.

Lucifer hums thoughtfully, stopping abruptly as someone settles down under the umbrella next to him. “Gabriel,” he says, without so much as glancing over to see who it is. “I expected you to greet us when we arrived. This is...the island where Leviathan will live, is it not?”

“It is,” the primarch of water replies, adjusting her sunhat. “But you and Sandalphon seemed like you wanted to be left alone.”

“He’s still...quite nervous around other people. I know it takes time for these things, but I want so desperately for him to be happy.”

Gabriel laughs. “You can’t see the happiness on his face, Lucifer? Hear it in his voice?” She hugs her knees to her chest, staring out at the horizon. “I’ve never been to the labs, so I don’t know what he’s like...but I can promise you that he’s happy.”

Lucifer smiles. “Thank you, Gabriel. And I’m sorry to have to rely on you for such things. Perhaps this journey will allow me a further understanding of my own emotions, as well.”

“I hope so. For your sake and for his.”

“What are you talking about?”

Gabriel takes her hat off, giving him an exasperated look as she fans herself with it. “That, right there, is what I’m talking about.” When Lucifer doesn’t seem to understand, she sighs theatrically and puts her hat back on. “Well, these kinds of feelings are probably best discovered naturally. Will you be swimming today, Lucifer?” she asks, mischief in her voice.

“No. The last time I spent too much time in the sun, I discovered I am not immune to the harmful effects of its light.”

“Oh my. The supreme primarch, red as a lobster…” She stands, raising a hand in farewell. “The last of the surveys is tomorrow. Leviathan will be here, sleeping until it’s ready, by month’s end. Promise me you’ll visit my cute friend once in a while with your own cute friend, okay?” She glances out toward Sandalphon, who seems to have gotten roped into helping a teenage skydweller find hermit crabs. “I hope the day you’re waiting so patiently for arrives sooner, rather than later.”

“As do I,” Lucifer says, voice distant. “Be well, Gabriel.”

“Call on me if you need anything.”

That evening, as Lucifer and Sandalphon retreat to the beachside cabin they’ve rented, Sandalphon suddenly notices something amiss. “Lucifer, my arms…”

“Ah. You’ve been sunburned.” In retrospect, he should have warned Sandalphon about it, but it’s too late now. “Here, allow me to…” He reaches forward, palm glowing with a soothing light, but Sandalphon tentatively pulls his arm back.

“Thank you for the offer,” he says shyly, “because it does hurt, but...this is something I was only able to experience after leaving the laboratory. You may think it foolish, but I...think I would like this to linger, a bit.”

Lucifer gives him a bemused smile. “You will probably not feel the same in the morning, but I’ll do as you ask.”

“Thank you,” Sandalphon says again, quietly. “For everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next morning, sandalphon woke up with that good ol Sunburn Bone Ache and asked lucifer to heal him and that was the end of that
> 
> can primal beasts get sunburned? why won't the devs answer my thousands of pointless questions


	5. interlude: lucifer.

Expectations are heavy things. The supreme primarch, governing the evolution of the world, should be impartial. It’s logical. Even now, Lucifer can’t deny that.

The primarchs operating beneath him should be as equally impartial. That had been Lucilius’ decree. Raphael is perhaps closest to his vision of an ideal primarch: sullen, a loner, preferring rationality. But he was never coached to act that way - it was simply his own personality, fostered to its natural conclusion by Lucifer. It didn’t feel right, telling his subordinates how to act, even though he himself had been carefully coached since his creation. Still, he had no guidance to give that did not belong to someone else.

And so he gave none at all, quietly defying his own creator, only encouraging them to go about their duties how they saw fit. Lucifer believes the skies are better for it.

He wonders what it’s like, being able to laugh and argue and simply _exist_ so vibrantly. His is a cold, pure, purging light. Michael’s fire is intense, Gabriel’s light glimmers in the depths of the darkest hours. Uriel’s strength, both inner and outer, is firmly rooted in warmth. And even stoic Raphael has moments of gentleness that surprise all who witness them.

The only thing special about Lucifer is he lacks everything that makes his companions so special.

It has never bothered him. It has never been his role to let his feelings guide him. Lucilius has never allowed it.

Would things have been different if he had not been taught to suppress his emotions since the day he awoke? Would he be able to better understand the tumultuous emotions Sandalphon has been experiencing? Or perhaps better equipped to help the scars on his spirit heal?

Gabriel told him Sandalphon was happy, and Lucifer had been glad his suspicion was correct, but it's shameful to him to need a second opinion. He should know these things, basic as they are. Still, he’s learning, because when he’s with Sandalphon…

When he’s with Sandalphon, the weight of the expectations stacked onto his shoulders vanishes, and his heart thrums in excitement at being unbound. The incessant, constant stream of people talking to him, asking his approval, showing him the plans for the latest primal beast to supervise, keeping tabs on island population, the intricacies of the balance of the tetra-elements, the seal on Pandemonium, the small but growing list of defectors, riots at the laboratory, riots at _another_ laboratory, plans for quashing a potential rebellion, endlessly endlessly endlessly crashing onto him and expecting him to weather it all without so much as feeling a single thing -

With Sandalphon, none of it matters.

This journey is a method of escape. For Sandalphon, of course, who’s endured physical and mental abuse beyond what he’s comfortable letting Lucifer understand. But it’s also a way for Lucifer to get away from the _pressure_ of it all. Eventually, however, he will have to return. It is his duty, to Lucilius, to the primarchs, to every individual skydweller who lives in the realm he overlooks from his ivory cage. Someday, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps thousands of years from now, a singularity will emerge that makes his presence happily unnecessary, and he will be able to seek out the peace of mind Sandalphon gives him for the rest of eternity. That thought is what he clings to when it seems like too much, because Lucilius had very carefully taught him that no one should ever see the supreme primarch in a state of emotional turmoil.

But for now, Lucifer is all too important, and the weight of it threatens to crush him.

He lays awake in bed all night, gently running his fingers through Sandalphon’s hair, murmuring about everything and nothing whenever he grimaces in his sleep, chased constantly by nightmares.

Someday Lucifer would like to be able to dream, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: boy i love writing things with no plot  
> dark me: have u considered writing in a plot  
> me:  
> dark me:  
> me: okay


	6. interlude: sandalphon.

How long is this joke going to last?

Sandalphon has been asking himself constantly, again and again, after every kindness shown to him. Not just since their journey began - from the very beginning. From the moment Lucifer brushed the hair out of his eyes, gentle concern shining in his own, and welcomed him to the world.

What a welcome it was.

No more than ten minutes had passed and the Astral researchers had his wings pulled taut and pinned to a table while they inspected his body for flaws. Standard maintenance, Lucifer had called it, and Sandalphon had nothing to compare it to, so he assumed it must be so.

The first time they tested his durability, Lucifer had recounted his own tests. They had pitted him against monsters brought in from the outside, and of course he’d had little trouble repelling them.

Sandalphon had asked him what he’d done when the Astrals broke his wings like they’d done to him not three hours earlier, and he remembers vividly the bewildered pause, the shadow of doubt casting its first pall over his lovely blue eyes.

Durability testing, it turns out, is supposed to actually test one’s durability, rather than exceed it with a perverted gleefulness. Such a stupid thing to have to realize. But for Sandalphon, when he cried that he’d had enough, that it was too much, that he hadn’t the durability to continue, it was ignored. It wasn’t until he overheard the conversation between Lucifer and Lucilius that he understood why.

He’s useless. He has no role, now that Lucifer doesn’t need a spare. Nothing is affected no matter how much pain he’s in, so the researchers can try more extreme things, produce more extreme results, leave Sandalphon all but begging for death in a heap on the floor.

Only the thought of seeing Lucifer again keeps him from ever voicing such desperate, dark thoughts.

Lucifer. Lucifer, Lucifer, Lucifer. The first person he saw, the first person to hold his hand, however fleeting, to lead him to the shaded garden. The first person to smile at him, to give him a cup of coffee, to tell him that a whole entire world existed beyond the confines of the laboratory.

The first person he’s ever loved.

This journey is like a dream come true for Sandalphon. He’s out of the cage the Astrals built around him, and Lucifer is with him. This is the happiest he’s ever been.

But happiness has made sure to never overstay its welcome. The happier he gets, the more dread settles at the pit of his stomach. Every day, the urge to let his questions spill forth grows stronger. Why him, out of every other primal beast in the laboratory that would have appreciated this piece of freedom just as much? Why create an archangel that he himself didn’t know the purpose of in the first place? Why continue to be nice, even after finally learning of that very purpose?

When is Lucifer going to acknowledge that conversation even happened?

Conversation seemed to come so easily to him in the garden, but now that Sandalphon thinks of it, everything they’d ever talked about was superficial. The weather, the taste of the coffee Lucifer brought with him, what they’d been doing lately. Nothing at all about anything deeper. Lucifer immediately shut such conversations down - gently, of course. Always gently.

Always so detached.

Sandalphon curses himself for thinking such thoughts. Even detachment is better than anything else he’s ever known. He should be grateful. He _is_ grateful - for the coffee, the meaningless conversations, the brush of his fingertips against his cheek. But despite that, despite knowing he has no right to want more, he does. Sandalphon’s heart aches with want every time Lucifer meets his gaze, and that was bearable when they only saw each other so often. Pining from afar was safe.

Now that Lucifer is never more than an arm’s length away, now that his smile is something he can see whenever he wants, rather than a reward for enduring months of grueling, demeaning torture, Sandalphon is appalled by his own greed. In the first place, thinking of the supreme primarch like this is wrong. He’s untouchable, perfect, too good for _anyone,_ let alone someone like Sandalphon, superfluous and irrelevant. Lucifer would never return his affections. Maybe, Sandalphon thinks to himself, if he had some sort of purpose - any at all, no matter how degrading - he'd have the grounds to confess his feelings.

But he’s all too useless, and the emptiness of it threatens to engulf him.

Sandalphon feels Lucifer’s fingers in his hair, cool and soothing as always, hears him murmuring to himself as he drifts to sleep, and pretends it’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love dying and being dead


	7. rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here lies ao3 author veridian. cause of death: the most recent grand blues strip. sandalphon is so cute i cant even deal

“This thing is a primal beast?” Sandalphon nudges a small flower with his boot, doubt etched into his every feature. “I nearly stepped on it.”

“Please try not to. She is still growing.” Lucifer gives the flower a fond smile. “Yggdrasil, are you awake?”

The empty breeze sets the trees aflutter, but there’s no response from the flower.

“It seems not.” Lucifer gestures back down the winding road from whence he and Sandalphon came. “It’s still within the acceptable margin of time for her to awaken. Perhaps next time you come to this island, she will be here to greet you.”

“I don’t think she’d find me especially interesting,” Sandalphon replies, frowning. “But if you think it would be worth it to meet her…”

“You misunderstand. I think it would be worth it for _her_ to meet _you._ ”

“Why?”

Lucifer’s response is immediate. “You are someone worth knowing, Sandalphon.”

That only makes his frown deepen, though Lucifer is still too focused on the small flower to see it. “I’m not worth anything,” Sandalphon says, haltingly, and he regrets saying it as soon as Lucifer turns back around to speak to him, a practically mournful look on his face.

“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” he says softly, but doesn’t elaborate. Sandalphon’s throat tightens, and though he wants to ask what that means, the words die on his tongue.

The moment has passed by the time his mouth works properly again, and Lucifer has already made to change the subject, approaching one of the thousands of trees on the island. They’re much different from the palms of Auguste; Lucifer had told Sandalphon on their way to Lumacie that most of the trees scattered throughout the sky actually looked more like the ones they were about to see. Sandalphon isn’t sure which he prefers yet, though there’s a lot to be said for the atmosphere of the forest.

It’s quiet, and there are no skydwellers, so though there’s nothing that moves him quite the same way the sea did, it’s not unpleasant by any means. He doesn’t have to ease himself into anything. He can simply enjoy Lumacie for what it is.

It’s a beautiful place.

“You asked me if I chose a garden because of this island, did you not?” Lucifer asks, running a hand along the wizened trunk of an ancient tree. “To be honest, I don’t know. But...I hope that was the case.”

It’s a strange answer, and Sandalphon doesn’t understand it. Lucifer gives an apologetic smile when he sees the confusion in his eyes, unable to offer anything else. It’s a lovely idea, one that he isn’t surprised to have heard from pure-hearted Sandalphon, and he'd simply wanted to express that.

It also reminds him of something. Something important.

“Have you given any thought to the kind of island you would like to live on, Sandalphon?” Lucifer asks. “Naturally, I cannot allow you to return to the laboratory…”

The thought of never returning to labs had certainly occurred to him, but this is the first time Sandalphon has thought of it as a real possibility. The idea is a wonderful one, but terrifying too, in some respects. There’s order in the labs. There’s structure. He’s only been to two islands so far, but neither of them have the same rigid familiarity that the labs do.

“Anywhere will do,” he says, quietly. “As long as it doesn’t...ah?!” Sandalphon’s reflective moment is interrupted by a shout of surprise. Lucifer looks up, startled, and sees him pulling his hood over his head, peering suspiciously up at the sky. He suddenly flinches and reels, a hand clasped over one of his eyes. “Lucifer, what is...is this rain?”

“Yes. I’m glad you remembered.” During their flight to Lumacie, Lucifer had described all sorts of weather to Sandalphon, but he hadn’t expected to have a practical demonstration so quickly. “Here. Your clothing will get wet.” Lucifer beckons Sandalphon over to an especially dense part of the forest; while it’s far from perfect, the thick layer of leaves above them is better than nothing.

Lucifer extends all six of his wings, the ones on his left side curled protectively around Sandalphon while those on his right do their best to cover himself. His left arm, too, naturally finds a place around Sandalphon’s waist, holding him close to keep him from the rain. “Did you happen to see anywhere we could take shelter?” he asks, an uncertain look on his face as he looks up at the sky. “The rain should pass quickly enough, but…”

“Then,” Sandalphon interrupts, voice frantic, his mouth making words before his brain can think them through, “it’s fine if we just stay like this, isn’t it?”

“If you don’t mind, then neither do I,” Lucifer says, pulling him closer. “Please tell me if I need to move my wings. It’s only water, but cold rains can be most unpleasant.”

Sandalphon barely registers Lucifer’s words, nodding dumbly in response and nuzzling up against his chest. The rain...really is cold, he thinks to himself. It’s the first time he’s ever experienced it, so surely Lucifer will understand why he wants to stay so close. As if reaffirming these thoughts, Lucifer’s other arm wraps itself around his shoulders in a proper embrace.

“You’re shivering,” Lucifer murmurs, concern evident in his tone.

“I’m alright,” Sandalphon manages, his voice as steady as he can make it.

Lucifer hums, apparently satisfied with the response. Several minutes pass as the rain continues, and Sandalphon is aware of two things and two things only. The first is the sound of raindrops against Lucifer’s wings, a quiet and gentle rhythm unlike anything he’s ever heard before. The second is the pulsing of Lucifer’s core, akin to the heartbeat of a primal beast. It’s nearly identical to his own, something he might have taken pride in if he didn’t know the reason why.

“Sandalphon,” Lucifer says, timing impeccable as always, “I have a matter I need to discuss with you.”

“Of course,” he responds, though he can’t keep the nervousness out of his voice when he hears how stern Lucifer sounds. “What is it?”

Lucifer brushes the hair out of Sandalphon’s face, his expression solemn. “It concerns your purpose.”


	8. illumination.

Sandalphon isn’t quite sure he heard Lucifer correctly. “I...I’m sorry, what did you…”

“Your purpose, Sandalphon.” Lucifer repeats himself, speaking a little more slowly this time. “If I am to cut all ties between you and the laboratory, I need to rid you of anything that might draw you back in. That includes curiosity about your purpose.” Lucifer’s expression is difficult to read, though not in the pleasantly mystifying way Sandalphon is used to. “I have been...avoiding this topic.”

That had been apparent ever since the first time it ever came up, all that time ago, but Sandalphon dares not comment on it.

“What sort of purpose did you hope for?” Lucifer asks, and Sandalphon is thrown by the question.

“I...hadn’t put much thought into it.”

“It was your foremost concern,” Lucifer says, frowning. “How could you have not put much thought into it?”

Sandalphon hesitates. Of course, he has an answer, but it’s the most pathetic kind. A desperate sort of answer, the kind one gives when they’ve completely given up any ambitions of their own. “I just…” He grits his teeth. “I just wanted it to be something that could be of use to you.”

“I see.” It’s a noncommittal response, as usual. “In that case, would you mind if I personally assigned you a role?”

“I don’t...wait,” Sandalphon says, his head finally beginning to catch up to his mouth. “Wait just a moment. Is this not about the purpose I was already assigned? The one given to me by the Astrals?”

“Sandalphon…” Lucifer trails off, hesitating. He’s choosing his words, something he’s always done much more carefully than usual when addressing this topic. “I don’t believe knowing that will do anything but upset you, so accepting a new one may be more constructive.”

“Hiding it from me will only upset me, too.”

At that, Lucifer is silent. Emotions Sandalphon has never seen him express before flicker in his eyes - frustration, then, overwhelmingly, fear. “No. I...even if that is the case - ”

What is he so afraid of? Lucifer continues, going on about how not everything needs to be addressed, but Sandalphon isn’t listening anymore. He’s seen his own tormented reflection enough times in the panes of glass over the Astrals’ shoulders to know what fear looks like, and that’s definitely what Lucifer is feeling. But he’s the supreme primarch. He’s perfect - his creator said so himself.

What is there for him to be afraid of at all?

Lucifer stops mid-sentence, and Sandalphon realizes he’s wondered that aloud. He opens his mouth to apologize, but before he can, Lucifer puts a hand to his head, muttering to himself. “I’m...afraid? Of…” He glances at Sandalphon through lowered lashes.

“D...Don’t be ridiculous. You don’t - there’s no reason to be afraid of _me,_ Lucifer.” Sandalphon’s voice is shaky and high-pitched as he fights the urge to vomit. He hadn’t been so intimidating, had he? “I couldn’t possibly hurt you, even if I tried - ”

“You could leave.” Lucifer is still speaking more to himself than to Sandalphon, though the more confident he becomes at whatever idea he’s arrived at, the less absent-minded his tone is. “If I...if you take learning your purpose badly, you may resent me. For keeping it from you, for telling you, for...for any number of reasons, and I…” He seems somehow like he's just accepted a heavy burden and simultaneously relieved a weight off of his shoulders. “I am afraid of losing you.”

Nonsense.

That’s nonsense.

“You...can’t be serious,” Sandalphon mutters weakly. “That’s…”

“I would not lie to you,” Lucifer says softly. “There are things I have withheld from you. But I have never lied. Not to you.” He hesitates again before continuing, “If your...if your original purpose is truly so important to you, then I will tell you. But it will not make you happy,” he repeats, imploringly.

“I already know.” Sandalphon’s voice is lifeless as he confesses. “There are things I’ve been keeping from you too. I just…” He wrings his hands, frustrated. “I wanted _you_ to be the one to tell me. I didn’t want to find out by overhearing such a terrible thing…!”

“Sandalphon.” It’s more of an exhalation than a word proper. Lucifer cradles the lesser angel to his chest, six wings tucked tightly around him akin to a cocoon. “I am so sorry.”

“You aren’t angry at me for eavesdropping?”

“If you had not felt so neglected, you would not have resorted to doing it. The blame lies with me.” Lucifer's tone is sorrowful. “But know this, Sandalphon. Despite what you may have heard during that conversation, you are not useless.”

Sandalphon makes a vague noise in response, halfway between overjoyed at hearing those words and upset that they can’t possibly be true. “Even so...what kind of role did you want to assign me?”

Lucifer shakes his head. “No more of that. I spoke poorly. Do whatever it is that makes you happy, Sandalphon. If you don’t know what that is yet, then you have the whole sky at your fingertips to help you find it.”

Sandalphon looks down, averting his eyes. “I do know. Being by your side makes me happy. I...that is, if you’ll have me, I want to…”

Lucifer seems caught off-guard by Sandalphon’s response, but his confusion fades quickly, giving way to a brilliant smile. It isn’t the first time Lucifer has smiled at him, of course. But this one reaches his eyes in a way no other has, lighting them up with a genuine, heartfelt euphoria, and it leaves Sandalphon breathless.

Lucifer is always beautiful, always perfect, but the look on his face surpasses even those very concepts.

“Nothing would make me happier than having you always with me,” he says, voice warm with affection, and just for a moment Sandalphon sincerely believes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me hollering at my own words on my own computer screen: YOURE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER YOU FOOLS


	9. sediment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeeyyyy lmao this one took a while to write because i hecked off and wrote some snarky badman sandalphon because i missed him (i might post this but it needs a lot of editing). but now i'm ready for moe baby sandalphon again. thank you for bearing with me.

“What is the name of this island, Lucifer?” Sandalphon gives his surroundings a curious glance. The entire island startlingly barren, and after seeing only such vibrant places before, it’s more than a little disturbing to know ones like this exist too.

“It does not have one yet.” Lucifer touches down next to him, staring out past a field of dry grass. “This one is lacking in resources, both for primal beast development and skydwellers. There is nothing here.”

“Why are we here, then?” Sandalphon asks, confused.

“Gabriel told me that something especially curious happens here every night, but would not tell me what. Ah, but she assured me it wasn’t dangerous.”

“Is she really so well-traveled?” Sandalphon is aware there are perks that come with the position of primarch, but to know things about the skies that even Lucifer doesn’t seems amazing.

“My gaze needs to be in many places at once, so I sometimes fail to see the smaller things. In that way, among others, the primarchs are invaluable to me.” His smile turns somewhat wistful. “There is no meaningful life on this island, no evolution to govern, so I have no reason to pay it any heed, but they are not bound by the same duty.”

Sandalphon comes to a sickening realization, and he asks quietly, “Am I distracting you from those duties?”

“No.” It’s an uncharacteristically curt answer, devoid of Lucifer’s usual flowery deflections, and Sandalphon can’t help but suspect that isn’t the entire story. Still, the world seems to be going about its business well enough. If Lucifer isn’t concerned, then it must be fine.

He turns his attention toward the horizon, where the sun has begun to dip below the edge of the island. “It’s quiet.”

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Lucifer’s voice is uncertain. He has no idea what Gabriel was talking about, but if Sandalphon doesn’t like it here, then there’s no reason to stay and find out what it is.

Sandalphon crosses his arms in thought. “It’s a good thing.” Being alone with Lucifer, knowing there’s not a single living soul on the island right now except for the two of them...he’s thrilled. Truth be told, he wouldn’t want it any other way...but that isn’t what Lucifer was asking about. “Having someplace quiet to think...I think everyone needs something like that.”

Lucifer nods. “I agree. That’s why I…” He trails off, shaking his head. “In any case, I am happy as always to learn that we share the same opinions.”

Sandalphon doesn’t respond, staring out at the setting sun, and Lucifer feels a distinct sense of unease. He’s been having this feeling more often, usually when Sandalphon takes a moment to collect his thoughts like this. It reminds Lucifer of his own behavior, when he talks around issues that he doesn’t think Sandalphon would benefit knowing about. It didn’t always bother him, hiding things. Ever since their conversation on Lumacie, however, it’s been deeply troubling him. He told Sandalphon that he had never lied to him, but is that really true? In a sense, is withholding information and deliberately letting someone continue with misguided assumptions not also a kind of lie?

Lucilius never taught him any of this, so all he can do is rely on his own experiences to come to a conclusion.

“Actually,” he says, breaking the silence that’s settled between them, “let me tell you, Sandalphon...the things that I cannot tell anyone else.” He sighs, a conflicted expression on his face. “Truthfully, I believe such a place is important because I have never had one. The closest thing I have experienced to such tranquility is our time together in the garden.” He elegantly laces his fingers together in thought. “I have told you before...that I cherish your company, that it gives me a peace of mind I can find nowhere else.” He can feel Sandalphon’s gaze on him, and steadfastly refuses to meet it. Is this what it feels like every time Sandalphon averts his own eyes? Heavy and light, all at the same time, a churning in his stomach he can’t place the origin of?

“The reason for that is because you, out of everyone I have ever met, are the only one whose first words to me were not a request, but a heartfelt greeting.”

It seems selfish to say it out loud. Of course people will ask for his help. It’s the reason he exists, the reason he was made in the first place.

Sandalphon seems taken aback, and Lucifer opens his mouth to elaborate, suddenly regretting revealing such a self-centered part of his personality. But Sandalphon starts speaking first.

“You, as well, Lucifer...you were the only person who ever treated me as anything more than disposable.” If his purpose was kept a secret from even Lucifer, who created him, then Lucilius must have been the only person who knew of it - or at the very least, one of very, very few. But that didn’t stop everyone, from the Astrals to the primal beasts they made, from emulating Lucilius’ behavior. Only the supreme primarch regarded him as a being with any worth at all.

Lucifer chances a quick glance down at Sandalphon, not sure what he’s expecting to see. He’s relieved when he sees he’s smiling. “I do not want there to be any more miscommunication between us,” he says firmly, more confident in this than anything else he’s said today. “So I...will do my best to make my feelings clear to you, Sandalphon. Is that alright with you?”

“Of course it is,” he responds, baffled and flattered. “You needn’t have even…”

He trails off suddenly, eyes widening as he takes note of something over Lucifer’s shoulder. Lucifer turns to see it for himself, following his gaze.

The barren cliffs in the distance have lit up in all kinds of colors, everything from the brightest yellows to deep, rich purple. Even some of the rocks beneath their feet, he notes, are starting to glow. He kneels to pick one up, rolling it between his fingers. It’s not warm at all, and there’s no residue on his fingers - it must be some sort of magic making it glow, though he can’t say what kind. It seems harmless, so he can always look into it later.

“It seems we landed on the wrong end of the island. Shall we take a closer look?” Lucifer offers, dropping the rock. Sandalphon nods wordlessly.

A quick flight across the small island later, the archangels touch down amid a dazzling spectacle. The darker the sky becomes, the brighter the entire cliff faces glow, reflecting off of each other and combining to create vivid auras of colors Sandalphon didn’t even know existed.

“Now I see why Gabriel refused to tell me what was going to happen,” Lucifer says softly. “Though I’m sure I would be awestruck either way.”

Sandalphon has knelt to collect a stray stone, holding it up to the dark sky to more clearly see its color. It’s a clear blue. The same color as Lucifer’s eyes.

That night, neither of them get so much as a moment of rest, exploring the cliffsides until the first rays of the morning sun peek over the horizon, dulling the glow. Sandalphon opens his palm and scrutinizes the rock he’d picked up earlier. It looks no different in daylight than any he’s seen on any other island, but even so, it will do nicely as a keepsake, something to comfort him at night when Lucifer inevitably needs to return to his duties. He tucks it away into a pocket.

“If you do not mind,” Lucifer says, running a hand along the side of the cliff, “I have a suggestion for our next island. I would like to show you somewhere...that I think you can thrive, in my absence.”

It seems like Sandalphon hasn’t been the only person thinking about what will happen when this vacation of sorts comes to an end.

“The only place I can thrive is wherever you are,” Sandalphon mutters bitterly.

“You do not know that.”

“I do know it.” Sandalphon is adamant, quite literally digging his heels into the dirt below him. “Do you plan to leave me on that island, Lucifer?”

“Of course not.” Being spoken to in such an accusatory tone does nothing at all to faze him. “I have no plans to leave you at all.” His wings droop slightly as he continues, “However, whether I have planned for it or not, someday an island we visit will be our last, at least for a time. If my responsibility to the world were not so great, perhaps it would be different.” He gives Sandalphon a fragile smile, one that seems ready to shatter at any moment. “As long as I am the supreme primarch, I can favor you, but I cannot devote myself to you.”

Sandalphon physically recoils, like he’s been hit, pressing a hand to his face to keep Lucifer from seeing such an ugly expression. He doesn’t know quite what it looks like, but he can feel it - half despair, half knowing contempt for himself, all deeply unpleasant.

It takes about two seconds for him to recover, giving Lucifer a tight smile. “Of course...I apologize for my selfishness.”

Lucifer gives him a long, scrutinizing stare, clearly troubled by his reaction. Sandalphon begins to try changing the subject, but Lucifer sits down on a rock, inviting him to sit next to him with a beckoning hand, and cuts him off before he can even finish formulating a sentence.

“I have told you something I could never tell anyone. Now, you are going to return the favor, and we are not leaving until you do so.”

“I don’t have anything like that,” Sandalphon replies. The lie feels like blood in his mouth, warm and metallic and wrong.

“That should make this easy, then.” Lucifer crosses his legs, looking at him expectantly. “Explain to me how deeply this so-called selfishness of yours runs, Sandalphon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lucifer: this is how you be supportive to people you love, right  
> gabriel:  
> lucifer:  
> gabriel:  
> lucifer:  
> gabriel: i swear tO GOD


	10. confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry

It’s been almost an hour since Lucifer gave Sandalphon the least pleasant order he’s ever received. For what it’s worth, he’s been as patient as ever waiting for a response, never once getting angry or frustrated with all the false starts Sandalphon’s gone through.

“I can’t do this,” he says for the umpteenth time, arms tightly hugging his knees to his chest.

“Anything you have to say can’t possibly be worse than what I have said already.” Lucifer leans back a little, ivory hair shining in the morning sun. “It is nothing less than shameful for someone in my position to think of myself.”

Sandalphon shakes his head. “There’s nothing selfish about wanting to be treated kindly.”

Lucifer gives him a sad smile. “And those words apply to everyone, in your estimation, but yourself.”

Sandalphon looks away, hugging his knees tighter.

When it becomes clear no response is forthcoming, Lucifer folds his hands in his lap, ruminating on the conversation that got them here. “If you won’t talk, then I will. Silence with you is such a waste, when I can hear as much of that as I want by myself.” He glances at Sandalphon, who still stubbornly refuses to so much as even look at him. His face is buried in the crook of an arm, and he looks more despondent than Lucifer has ever seen him.

“I’ve been hurting you.” It’s a quiet statement, with no room for argument. “I understand that much, at least.”

Sandalphon grits his teeth. He doesn’t understand it at all. It’s because Lucifer is the only one who’s never hurt him that he feels like this.

“I want you to live a life free from pain, a life you create for yourself. To do so, you must naturally remain apart from me. Your circumstances mean you can do anything, become anything. I would be holding you back, with my fixed role.” He pauses, clearly uncertain about his next words, but proceeds with them anyway. “But am I correct in assuming...that you would prefer that?”

Sandalphon finally looks back at him, and the way Lucifer’s eyes light up when he does is like a punch to the gut. “Of course I would prefer that,” he says. “After all, I…”

He feels his wings manifesting to cover his face just as he finally says what he’s been meaning to for the past hour.

“I love you, Lucifer.”

When the supreme primarch doesn’t immediately respond, Sandalphon initially thinks little of it. But as the lack of response stretches into one, then two minutes, he pulls his wings back just enough to peek over the edges of his feathers. Lucifer seems nonplussed, a confused smile on his face. “I love you as well, Sandalphon,” he says, the gravity of the confession apparently lost on him. “That will always be true, even if we - ”

“That love,” Sandalphon continues, wings snapping back into their proper place behind him, “is where the darkest depths of my selfishness lie. Your love is for everything, even useless things like me, but mine…” He stops, choking on his own words. “No. I’ve said enough.” There’s nothing he can say, he thinks, to make Lucifer understand. The love he feels is not only shameful, striving as he is for the devotion of someone far above him, but it’s all-consuming, desperate, and if it isn’t ever returned, it will ruin him.

It’s not the kind of love that Lucifer needs to know about.

“You…” Despite Sandalphon deciding not to tell him anything, this ironically seems to be what finally creates an understanding. Lucifer hangs his head apologetically. “I was so careless with my words. You thought I was saying...that I could never care for you as deeply as you care for me.”

Sandalphon raises his hands defensively, his voice mechanically even. “It doesn’t matter. You’ve said your piece, and I respect that. The least I can possibly do is accept - ”

“If it doesn’t matter, then why do you look like you’re about to cry?”

“Because…!” All at once, the floodgates burst, and it would take more strength than Sandalphon has in his entire body to keep his mouth shut. “Because you mean everything to me, Lucifer! Because even though I can respect your feelings...even though I know I will never be worthy of your love, it still… _I_ still…!” He blinks back tears, hot and painful behind his eyelids. “I can’t stop loving you. I’ve tried, since the day we first met, since the day I was created, to stop loving you, but all it does is make me want you more!” He covers his face with his hands; if he can’t stop himself from crying, he can at least keep Lucifer from seeing it. “The happier you make me, the more it hurts,” he whispers, voice breaking with the effort it takes to say it. “You should have never taken me from the laboratory.”

He can’t see Lucifer’s face, and in that moment the supreme primarch is grateful for it. He doesn’t know what to do, trying to keep up an encouraging expression, but as soon as Sandalphon whispers his last sentence, he feels like he’s going to break. This is worse than anything he ever thought possible. The idea that he’s hurt Sandalphon as much as, or more than, the researchers in the laboratory fills him with despair, almost unable to breathe under the weight of it. “Sandalphon,” he exhales, and something must be unusual about his voice because Sandalphon moves his hands to look at him, concern in those vivid red eyes. “I am so, so sorry. I didn’t...I couldn’t bear to see you - I should have put more thought into this, I should have...realized what I…” He coughs; there’s a knot in his throat that’s never been there before.

“Now you’re the one who looks like he’s about to cry,” Sandalphon says, voice shaking with the weight of his own tears. “And I’m the one who’s been careless. Lucifer, I…”

Before he can finish his sentence, he’s silenced by the shock of being grabbed by the shoulders, though if that hadn’t been enough to stop him from speaking, Lucifer’s lips pressed against his own certainly would.

He can barely call it a kiss. Lucifer has no idea what he’s doing, but neither does Sandalphon know how to respond, and even after Lucifer pulls away, all they can do is stare at each other.

Lucifer’s lips move like he wants to say something, but no sound comes out. Sandalphon, on the other hand, is trembling so badly he couldn't even try to speak if he wanted to. Between the sheer force of his own feelings and Lucifer’s actions, he’s overwhelmed, and he feels his knees start to buckle under him. Lucifer catches him, still in no condition to say anything, and cradles him closely.

“Lucifer,” Sandalphon finally murmurs, weakly. “If you would...rather forget about what just happened, then I…”

Lucifer shakes his head. Sandalphon feels something familiar fall onto his cheek, and he looks up toward the sky to see there’s nary a cloud in it.

He realizes all at once what’s happening, and his hands continue to shake as he gently wipes the tears from Lucifer’s eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my [twitter](https://twitter.com/duobrando) is here in case u want to tell me off for this chapter


	11. culmination.

Once, after a particularly painful experiment, Lucifer had sat with Sandalphon in the garden after it was over and carefully helped him dry his tears. He had never asked what kind of test it was, or what had driven Sandalphon to cry in the first place. He had always wondered, in hindsight, if that was cruel of him.

He can’t help but dread the possibility that Sandalphon’s response now, to wordlessly do the same for him despite his own eyes brimming with tears, is the result of that day. Still, it may have been cruel by not asking about anything, but by remaining silent here and now, Sandalphon is being infinitely merciful. He can see the question written all over his face, but Lucifer doesn’t have an answer to give. He has no earthly idea why he’s crying.

The physicality of it is remarkable. Sobs and sniffles happen beyond his control, shaking his slender frame, and he feels a headache building directly behind his eyes. He must look like a mess - he certainly feels like one - but Sandalphon is undeterred as he gently swipes a stream of tears away with his thumb. He touches Lucifer’s face like it’s precious and fragile, like it’s not something he should be touching in the first place.

Lucifer wants to tell him he’s fine, that it’s alright to stop, but that knot in his throat is still too painful. He leans forward, presses his forehead against Sandalphon’s, and that seems to get the message across, because his hands fall away.

“Lucifer,” he murmurs, devotion and adoration dripping from every syllable. “You don’t need to - ”

Lucifer shakes his head, cupping Sandalphon’s face in his hands. He still looks like he’s also about to start crying any minute, but he’s holding himself together remarkably well.

He’s not sure what Sandalphon was trying to say, but words seem unimportant right now, a detriment to everything he’s experiencing. He will eventually have to put all of it - the ache in his chest, the lump in his throat, his own reflection in Sandalphon’s eyes - into a neat little box and partition off these wondrous, tempestuous feelings, lest they interfere with his duty as the supreme primarch. He had been given permission to favor Sandalphon, to love him from an arm’s reach away, but that’s not close enough anymore, and the sooner Lucifer shuts this down the better. He knows that, but he desperately wants to hold on to every moment.

“Lucifer,” Sandalphon tries again, voice cracking, but he seems at a loss for words. Lucifer puts a finger to his lips, still not ready for this to be over even as he knows it needs to be.

The only sound on the deserted island for a long stretch of time is their own breathing, eventually punctuated by a quiet whimper from Sandalphon as Lucifer pulls away from him, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.

“Thank you, Sandalphon,” he finally manages, startling even himself at how quickly he can slip back into a businesslike, serene tone of voice. “I...did not know I could cry.”

Sandalphon pauses, and Lucifer can practically see the thoughts running through his head - should he ask why Lucifer was crying? What does this mean for the two of them? Can he really brush this off that quickly?

In the end, he settles for none of the questions he’s obviously thinking of, opting to go with a quick nod. “You’re welcome,” he says, voice distant.

Lucifer recognizes this. It’s the same kind of expression he made whenever he was told to forget about his purpose. In other words, he’s not happy, but he doesn’t want to push anything in the wrong direction.

“I want more than anything to be able to answer your love with my own,” Lucifer says, sad smile already tugging at the corners of his lips. “But you should save your feelings for another - for someone who can express them to you, too.”

Sandalphon bristles, hands clenching at his sides. “Were you not just expressing them? Were you not just answering me?” He regrets asking as soon as the words are out of his mouth, but Lucifer nods thoughtfully. They’re fair questions.

“My feelings for you...are probably the same as yours for me.” Sandalphon seems troubled by the use of “probably,” but Lucifer doesn’t know how else to put it. After all, he has no frame of reference. “And I wanted you to know that. But I am the supreme primarch, and I...must put my feelings aside. Anything that could influence me needs to remain locked away. I had hoped to gain an understanding of my own emotions during this journey, and it goes without saying that I have. But…” He wonders if that’s a good thing, in the end.

Sandalphon doesn’t seem convinced, a desperate and hungry look in his eyes. Now that he’s been granted even a moment of the happiness he’s ached for for years, he wants more of it. “What about this would make you a less able primarch, Lucifer? Are the other four not allowed to do as they please?”

“Of course they are. But that is because - ”

“Then why shouldn’t you be allowed the same privilege?” Sandalphon crosses his arms. “If you’re going to reject me, then reject me because you don’t want me. I…” The indignation in his voice fades, he collapses in on himself just a little, and his arms curl around himself, an attempt at self-comfort. “It would be far worse to be loved, to know that I could have what I wanted if it weren’t for one circumstance or another. So...if this is a rejection, then tell me you don’t love me. If I hear that from you...I think I might be able to give up.”

Lucifer frowns. “You know I can’t tell you that.” Despite the brave face Sandalphon is putting on, those words would wreck him; that much is obvious. But so would the alternative. He’s faced with stabbing Sandalphon with a knife or a sword: either way, it's going to hurt.

“Let me ask you one last thing, then.” Sandalphon shifts his weight, putting all of it on one hip. “If your intent has always been to distance yourself from your emotions, why try to figure them out in the first place? That’s what I don’t understand.” He indicates the cliffs and rock faces around them in a wide, grandiose gesture. “What was the point of all of this, if you’re simply going to rid yourself of everything you’ve learned?”

“That...no, the purpose of this was to get you away from the laboratory. Anything else is an addition to that. You were always my highest priority.”

Sandalphon shakes his head. “Another superbly dodged question, o supreme primarch.” The bitterness in his voice is palpable and far more acrid than any coffee that’s ever passed Lucifer’s lips; it’s enough to make him wince. It doesn’t help that he has nothing to say in his defense. Sandalphon is right. He does dodge more questions than he answers, this one included. “But I love even that about you. Even when you twist the knife, you do so with only the best of intentions.”

“That’s…” The analogy of twisting a knife seems startlingly apt. It’s just what Lucifer feels like is happening to him as Sandalphon speaks. “I don’t know,” he confesses, agitation in his voice. “I don’t know what I intended to do. I didn’t think I could ever become so attached to anyone. I thought...putting this away after discovering it would be as easy as it has been until today.”

But it isn’t, and Sandalphon has made some excellent points. Lucifer himself believes the four primarchs under his command are better leaders for having been allowed to develop their personalities and emotions as it suited them. Would it be the same for him?

Is it acceptable for him to love Sandalphon after all?

While Lucifer contemplates this, Sandalphon sits down, hanging his head, looking like a marionette that’s had its strings cut. Lucifer moves to approach him, but he puts a hand up to stop him. “I need a moment, but I will be fine,” he says in the least convincing manner possible.

“Sandalphon.” Lucifer stops, but looks at him imploringly. “I...would not be able to give you the company you desire, or the attention you deserve. ” He sees the irises of Sandalphon’s eyes behind his bangs, regarding him warily, and Lucifer meets his gaze as best he can. “If I had to guess, I would say the time we can spend with one another is equal to the time we had in the garden. Perhaps a bit more, if I can belay certain things. It is most certainly nowhere near enough to give you the happiness you deserve. That’s why I can’t…”

Sandalphon, realizing where this is going, shakes his hair out of his eyes. “I will wait for however long it takes, Lucifer. I know you’re worried about me, but...I would be happier only seeing you occasionally and knowing that I was yours than to spend every moment with you knowing I never could be.” He sighs to himself, fussing with the edge of his hood. “Of course I would be happiest if I could have both your love and your time, but if I can only have one…”

“Then,” Lucifer says, thrill and exhaustion and trepidation twisting into an entirely alien feeling in his chest, “you will have as much of my love as I have time to give it.”

Sandalphon lowers his head again, stifling a sob. Lucifer, alarmed, rushes to his side. “Sandalphon?” The question itself is unspoken, but it’s easy enough to guess what he wants to ask.

He looks up at Lucifer, smiling brighter than he ever has in his life. “Some people cry when they’re happy, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see? they got there eventually


	12. percolation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote and rewrote this 4 times so this will have to do

Lucifer and Sandalphon opt to travel to the next island by airship, in a sort of crash course in skydweller etiquette, heading back to Auguste to charter one from. If Sandalphon intends to live among them - and neither of them can come up with a better place for him to live, so he has no real choice in the matter - he can’t just fly wherever he pleases in full view, after all. He isn’t thrilled with the idea, but he can’t come up with any good reason not to do it, so he reluctantly lets Lucifer lead him onto the crowded vessel, already tensing up. Lucifer puts an arm around his waist, leading him to a relatively secluded corner, lets Sandalphon cling to him for comfort. He still doesn’t do well with being in public.

“Where are you headed?” one of the mortals on board asks, obviously concerned for the quivering archangel.

“Ah...fortunately, it’s the first stop along the cargo line,” Lucifer replies with a weary smile. He’s too polite to tell the woman she’s only making Sandalphon’s anxiety worse when she doesn’t mean to.

“Well, hopefully he gets his sky legs soon, then. If you need anything, lemme know. I’m the navigator, so I know a thing or two about airsickness.” She gives the two of them a quick grin and heads to her post, affixing a cap to her head as she does.

“Thank you,” Lucifer calls after her. She raises a hand in acknowledgement. Sandalphon seems to improve somewhat almost as soon as she’s gone, lifting his head and peering over Lucifer’s shoulder at her as she leaves. There are still far too many people clustered together on the ship for his liking, but at least no one is directly in his space anymore.

“We have a room for as long as this trip lasts, don’t we?” he asks, muttering into Lucifer’s shoulder.

“Yes, but…” He thinks Sandalphon ought to try to stay on the deck a little longer. “This is a new experience for me, too. I’d like to see the takeoff with you.”

Sandalphon shoots him a doubtful look, but none of it is a lie. He sinks a little further down, comfortably nestled in Lucifer’s arms, and nods his assent. “Fine. But we can retreat somewhere less crowded after that, right?”

Lucifer hums in agreement, stroking his hair. “It will only be a few days, Sandalphon. You’re doing very well.”

Sandalphon wants to ask how he can possibly be doing well when it hasn’t even been half an hour and he’s already had enough company to last him a lifetime, but the ship lurches beneath them and his arms around Lucifer’s waist tighten, his face going pale. “This is normal, right?” he asks in a shaky whisper.

Lucifer smiles. “I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.”

Sure enough, the airship lifts off without a hitch, and Sandalphon does his best to pretend he wasn’t just clinging to Lucifer for dear life as he detaches himself, the embarrassed scarlet hue of his cheeks a perfect match for his eyes. “W...where are we going, anyway?” he asks, glancing out toward the clouds.

“It’s a small island by the name of Kaldi. I think you’ll like it there. I selected it to be...I suppose one could call it a catalyst of evolution of sorts, for one particular form of life.” Sandalphon looks at him, puzzled, and Lucifer shakes his head. “I would like to surprise you.”

The last time he’d said that, he introduced Sandalphon to iced coffee and the wondrous, warm feeling of being cared for, so the lesser angel drops the subject. Lucifer wouldn’t arrange a surprise that would hurt him. “Then I’ll look forward to it.” He gives Lucifer a shy smile, takes half a step forward, then seems to think better of whatever it is he wants to do and turns away, face flushing red again. “You’ll visit me, right?”

Lucifer raises his hands defensively. “Of course I will, but I never said that we were concluding our journey there, unless you wish to. Knowing that you have a place to return to might help to…assuage your anxieties somewhat.”

Sandalphon is sure, absolutely certain, that he can’t turn any redder. He knows that his behavior has been conspicuous at best, but it’s still humiliating to know that Lucifer noticed, even though there’s no way he couldn’t have.

Lucifer gently takes his hand, giving him an encouraging smile. “Would you like to see our room?”

Sandalphon nods, relieved beyond words that Lucifer understands he’s just about had enough of being in public, and lets the supreme primarch lead him along to a small room in a long hallway. “We’re number 43…this was initially solely a cargo ship, but it stops at a number of islands that have tourist attractions, so the decision was made to outfit it with rooms. However, they are…a bit smaller than the one we stayed in during our travels to Auguste, so I hope it doesn’t make you feel claustrophobic.” Lucifer opens the door to reveal a cozy, nicely-kept room that smells vaguely of citrus and pine. It is indeed small, the bed just barely fitting between the walls.

“This is still bigger than the room assigned to me at the labs,” Sandalphon says, not quite sure why that makes Lucifer’s eyes widen in alarm. “And there’s a bed, so…if this is what a small room looks like, then someday I’d like to see a large one.”

“Sandalphon,” Lucifer says sternly, and he doesn’t even have time to react before he’s pulled into a tight embrace. “I will never, ever let anyone hurt you again,” he whispers fiercely, stroking his hair.

“Lucifer…” Sandalphon nestles against him. “Giving me a small room isn’t hurting me.” He knows what being hurt is like - he winces at even the memory of it.

“Perhaps not physically, but this anxiety of yours…this unwillingness to see your own value, those are the scars left behind.” He presses a quick kiss to Sandalphon’s forehead. “I will do what I can to help you alleviate the pain from those, as well.”

Sandalphon hesitates, then leans in to kiss Lucifer’s lips, just as fleeting as the first, before pulling away, embarrassed. “I…I apologize for my forwardness,” he mumbles.

As always, Lucifer responds with a smile. “There’s nothing you’ve done that you need to apologize for.”

“That’s…ah!” Sandalphon’s retort is cut short by him noticing something on the shelf. He carefully removes a small coffee maker from it, holding it aloft. “Did you give this realm coffee like you wanted to, Lucifer?” His eyes are practically shining in excitement. “That means we can still drink it together here…!”

“Yes, quite some time ago.” Lucifer smiles fondly at Sandalphon, who in turn is fawning over the coffee machine like it’s an old friend. “Would you like me to brew some?”

Sandalphon nods, putting the coffee maker down on a small bedside table. “I’ll go see if I can get some hot water.”

“Ask the staff at the mess hall,” Lucifer calls after him, not realizing until Sandalphon has shut the door that he’s going to go speak to a mortal by himself for the first time. He stares at the door in contemplative silence for several painfully long moments, and just as he decides to go after him, Sandalphon returns with a steaming pitcher in his hand.

“Here,” he says, carefully handing it to Lucifer.

“You didn’t run into any difficulties by yourself?” Lucifer’s tone is carefully neutral, one he takes when he’s doing his utmost not to sound condescending.

Sandalphon pauses, sheepishly running a hand through his hair. “Well…I was nervous, that’s true. But I was so excited about being able to have coffee with you again that it didn’t dissuade me this time.”

This must be what thinking someone is cute feels like, Lucifer decides.

After the coffee has been brewed and poured - though Sandalphon had some concern about the slightly-stained mugs that were placed in the room as a courtesy - the angels sit across the tiny table from one another, just as they always do. The table is barely big enough to set two mugs down upon, and the stools in the room are too small to be called comfortable seats. There are no flowers, nor any sunlight to filter through them, with the sun setting in the window behind Lucifer. The air isn’t quite as fresh, the atmosphere nowhere near as relaxing as the garden where they usually meet.

But to the surprise of both of them, none of that is needed for them to find the same peace of mind they’ve both come to treasure from a cup of coffee with the other. Lucifer finds he’s still able to smile just a little easier with Sandalphon across from him, and Sandalphon finds the self-hatred he’s wrapped himself in squeezes just a little less.

As they settle into bed for the night, Sandalphon mumbles something into his pillow. “I beg your pardon?” Lucifer asks, certain he’d heard his voice but not what he was trying to say.

“The coffee today…it was the best you’ve made, I think.” He gives Lucifer a sleepy smile. “Let’s do it again tomorrow.”

“Of course.” Lucifer slides under the blanket next to him and gathers him into his arms. “Good night, Sandalphon.”

“’Night…” He’s out like a light, asleep nearly as soon as the word leaves his lips, and Lucifer can’t help but smile down at him. He hadn’t had any reason to notice before now, but Sandalphon is excellent at falling asleep - probably because the tests performed by the Astrals on him necessitated being able to sleep as much as he could before the next one began, he notes bitterly. Everything Sandalphon does Lucifer can trace back to his abuse at the hands of the Astrals. His tendency to avoid eye contact, his social anxiety, even small things like the way he clutches at the edges of his hood when he’s nervous - it’s startling and shameful to realize that Sandalphon has always been telling him just how much pain he’s been in, he just hadn’t been aware of it.

Neither of them had been aware of it, really.

He closes his eyes, feels the pulse of Sandalphon’s core, so close in rhythm to his own. He realizes, just as he too feels himself falling asleep, that this is the first night they’ve spent together that Sandalphon hasn’t had a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i checked and double checked sandalphon's fate ep and the name of the island where lucifer planted a coffee plant and fucked off never came up so i named it kaldi after the guy who allegedly discovered the energizing effects of coffee after watching his goats fucking lose it after eating some. canon can't tell me i'm wrong if they never address it


End file.
